your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
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