So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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