You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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