Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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