It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
