"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
