70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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