i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
