She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Randomize
