You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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