remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
