when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
