My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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