i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You need a sexual gate keeper
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Randomize
