Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
