Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
