Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
