tonight lets celebrate not being married
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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