He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
