If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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