I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
