i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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