When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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