I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
