But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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