cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
