Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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