help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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