I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
