last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
