literally had 100 drinks last night.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
