My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize