i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
