**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You need a sexual gate keeper
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
