New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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