i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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