Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
