I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
