If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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