Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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