Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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