Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Randomize
