Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
