Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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