For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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