i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
