I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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