So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
