genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
