420 ftw
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
