apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
They have beer where we have blood.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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