when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
