I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
