he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
