Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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