When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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