I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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