Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
