In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
