So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
