capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
